My hands and Shears

I've given myself Skrillex hair.

Tattoo by Jennifer Lynn Barnes (Chapters 4-6)

Welcome to chapters 4-6 of Tattoo by Jennifer Lynn Barnes! Where we last left off, we met Bailey Morgan, the insecure leader of the Fab Four troupe who just happens to constantly piss me off with her constant orgasms over Kandy Kane, her crush, Delia Cameron, the fashion- obsessed bulldozing bitch who walks all over Bailey like it’s no-one’s business, Annabelle Porter, the silent know-it-all who’s eyes are having an affair with her feet, and Zo Porter, Annabelle’s scary tomboy cousin that reminds me of a butch Tinker Belle.

So at the end of chapter 3, the girls were headed towards Bay’s house. When they get to her room, she feels like she’s gonna explode. She decides to tell her friends what she’s thinking about that’s bothering her. But where to start…. ‘Ummm… guys, I think I might have fire powers, and I just used them against Miss I’m-So-Perky-and-My-Boobs-Are-Too.’

Annabelle rolls her eyes and assures Bailey that the fire wasn’t her fault. The thing is, Bailey didn’t say she thought she started the fire out loud. Zo and Delia look at Annabelle like she’s crazy. Annabelle affirms that she heard Bailey say she thought she had fire powers and she’d set Alex’s foot on fire. Delia says, “Would you like a side of crazy with your Bailey-so-did-not-just-say-that?” When Bailey says she didn’t say it, Annabelle gives her a look that Bailey thinks she would have if she’d just told her she was planning on tye-dyeing her dachshund. Bailey thinks this so wasn’t happening and Annabelle, thoroughly perplexed questions what isn’t happening and why the hell would anyone tye-dye a dachshund. So Bailey begins to talk to Annabelle through her mind. She and Baybay have come to the understanding that she indeed can hear thoughts and Bailey did set Alex’s foot on fire. Bitch deserved it too. Zo is freaked out and A-belle tells her to think of a number between one and fifty million. Zo thinks chocolate and A-belle berates her for not thinking a number between one and fifty million. Zo says if Annabelle doesn’t stay the fuck out of her head, she’s gonna hurt her. Delia whines about not having a cool power and Bailey says it started with the tattoos. Zo asks why she and Delia don’t have powers. After all, they put on the freaky voices tattoos too! Zo’s tattoo starts glowing and only Bay can see it.

Silver-blonde hair. Blood. Dead, blue eyes. It has begun.

What is with Jennifer Lynn Barnes and her love of sentence fragments?

Bailey gets dizzy. Apparently poor Baybay is the only one who can hear the voices and she’s the only one who gets dizzy when looking at the tattoos. Annabelle thinks there’s something sacrosanct about the tattoos. Whatever the hell that means. I’m too lazy to look it up. Delia complains that she needs three coats of the Mango Mermaid nail polish to really achieve the shade she’s looking for.

Quote via Bailey: “Some people panic during a crisis. Delia painted her nails.”

Delia is debating whether she should frost her nails with a nail polish called Misty Madness. She brushes her left hand over her right fingertips and Bailey sees her tattoo flash. Delia gawks at her hand and shows them that her nails had changed color, “Slightly frosted, like I just painted over them with Misty Madness.” Apparently Delia is not only freaked the fuck out, she’s also elated. A-belle is writing down notes and Delia changes the color of her other nails. She then changes her hair from brown to blonde and back to brown. Annabelle gets researchy and Zo gets pissy and throws a pillow at her.  Annabelle scoffs at her cousin for being so sensitive and Zo hangs her head speaks softly and apologetically, sounding a little like… ANNABELLE!!!!

Everyone is like “WUUUUUUUUUUUUT?”

Zo then realizes that A-belle unknowingly just pulled a mind meld on her. Annabelle apologizes and again, pulls another mind meld on Zo. ZoBro is now thoroughly exasperated. Bailey reminisces on how she’d accidentally set Perky McBigtits on fire and starts hearing voices again while Delia is changing the color of her shirt. A-belle figures out that Dee’s power is transmogrification and that she not only can change colors, she can change one thing into another. Deedee FREAKS THE FUCK OUT and runs to the trash can, takes out a gum wrapper and turns it into a pair of baby blue cashmere socks. I don’t understand why Delia would be so excited about that power; her rich daddy can buy her that stuff, seeing as she totally maxx0rz out his card near every day.

She runs back to the trashcan and faints. Everyone freaks and Zo just happens to tease Delia with the idea of her looking pale and sweaty and Bailey’s mom freaking out when she opens the door and sees Delia in this state.

Five seconds later, Bailey’s mom comes through the door and freaks out when she sees Delia laying on the floor, sweaty and pale. Bailey looks at Zo’s foot and sure enough, her tattoo is flashing.

To see, to feel

To stand upon the ancient Seal.

As soon as Bailey’s mom leaves, Bailey blurts out that Zo’s power is seeing. Seeing the future that is. Annabelle confirms that Zo’s power is premonition, “a precognitive power in which the seer knows or sees the future before it occurs”, to be exact.

Zo: That’s it? Annabelle does her funky mind control thing, Delia can turn trash into jewels, Bailey sets stuff on fire and I just happen to know some insignificant little event is going to happen before it does? Why don’t I get fire?? WAH! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

Zo whines about Bailey having fire, Bailey complains about having fire, Delia orgasms about her power and Annabelle goes back to wondering about what’s happening and why they even have these powers.

Members in Fab Four: 4

Members of Fab Four actually doing something productive: 1

Possibility of me reviewing the sequel: 5%

Headaches from reading this book: OVER 9000!!!!

A-belle gets bossy and tells Baybay to write everything she hears. Then she declares that they’re going back to the mall the next day.

Delia orgasms. Zo rolls her eyes. Bailey muses.

That night, Bailey does some more complaining and worrying and falls asleep. She has a great wonderful dream about dancing with Kane and- ahem. She has a dream where she finds herself sitting on the ancient Seal and she meets the owners of the voices, Adea and Valgius. Adea has waist length wavy red-black hair; Valgius has long straight blue black hair. They both have blinding blue eyes and are extremely beautiful. Gag me. I know the Aes Sidhe are magical faeries and whatnot but seriously?? The ever cryptic Adea tells Bailey they can’t speak to her for very long. Valgius, who rarely talks in these books, tells her simply, “We are Sidhe, and we need your help.” Way to throw the weight of the world on a 15 year old’s shoulders Valgius. By the way, the word Sidhe is pronounced ‘shee’. Like banshee, except banshee is actually spelled baneshee.

Bailey wakes up and so does A-belle. A-belle asks Bay if she’s okay and Bailey, being the lazy ass she is asks if A-bell can just pull it out of her mind. A-belle says she can’t hear anything directly, except that her dream scared her and that she’s confused. Bailey starts to tell her about the dream Annabelle glances longingly at her notes. Bailey asks if she wants her to write it down and Annabelle sheepishly nods. Bailey walks to the desk with no complaint and writes down what she can remember. With the dream escaping her memory, she finally ends it with ‘Blood of the Sidhe’ and is surprised she even knew how to spell Sidhe. She silently wonders if the knowledge had been placed there by Adea and Valgius, or had she always known.

She hears Adea’s voice say “Always.”  She shakes her head and tells A-belle that they needed their help. Annabelle says that whatever they need help with, the girls can use their powers to help them. She then grabs hers and Bailey’s notes and begins color coding them with highlighters. How she found them in the dark, I’ll never know. Bailey goes back to sleep and dreams about Kane.

The next morning Delia is trying to convince Bailey to let them drive her mom’s car to the mall because they’re too fucking lazy to walk ten minutes to the mall. Delia transmogrifies her permit into a license and Bailey refuses and instead tells them about the dream about Adea and Valgius. Zo asks why she’s whispering and Bailey threatens to set her on fire. Zo says she wouldn’t even set the trash can on fire and puts her in a headlock. Bailey elbows her in the stomach and Zo messes up her hair. Delia tells Zo to be careful, Bailey bites. Zo and Annabelle lose it, Bailey laughs and ends up with a mouthful of hair. Then.

“Huh, Bailey bites?”

Bailey’s stomach drops and Zo promptly releases her. Bailey tries to straighten herself out while looking in horror at Kandy Kane in his black SUV. Delia tells Kane that Bailey doesn’t bite hard. Bailey glares at Delia and Kane says he don’t bite to hard either. He asks if they need a ride.

D: Hallelujah he has a car!

A: We’d love a ride.

Thirty seconds later, Bailey is in the front passenger seat trying to keep her hormones in check so she doesn’t set Kandy Kane on fire while the other members of the Fab Four are crammed in the back. Kane asks where they’re going and Bailey tells him to go to the mall. Dee asks if he’s going to the dance, He says he might and Dee says Bailey might too. Bailey turns around and glares at her again. She even contemplates setting the fashionista on fire. They finally get to the mall and while Bailey’s getting out of the car Kane asks her to save him a dance.

OMG!! GAIZ, KANDY KANE JUST ASKED BAILEY TO DANCE, LYKE OMG!!

They go in the mall and when they get to the kiosk, all that’s there is a sign that says ‘Closed in preparation for Mabon’. Delia says it sounds like a brand of makeup. It kinda does. Annabelle says it’s a fancy word for the Autumnal Equinox. Ahem. Only dealing with Neo-druidism and Pagans. Thank you. Zo complains and A-belle tells Bailey to touch her tattoo. Bailey asks why, while at the same time moving her hand towards her tattoo. She asks Annabelle if she’s doing that and Annabelle stutters, not truly knowing who’s moving her hand. After their little panic attack, Bailey grazes her tattoo with her fingertips.

She comes. Angry, vengeful. She will stop at nothing to destroy us. She comes.

God, this is one horny faerie. Lol, I made a funny. Bay touches her tattoo but hears nothing else. A-belle tells her to touch the kiosk. Bailey still gets nothing until she gets close to the sign and she touches the word ‘Mabon.’

She comes, she comes. To fight, to live, she comes.

What did I say? Horny faerie. Bailey rolls her eyes at the old news.

Our lives. Your fight. Both worlds.

God, this woman and sentence fragments!

Bailey complains about no one else hearing the freaky voices and is pretty much about to baww when Zo approaches the sign and touches it. What happens next is just weird.

“Zo ran her hand along the sign, and without warning, she gasped, her eyes rolling back in her head and blue-green light that I deeply suspected only I could see streaming out of her face.”

Bailey being the selfish whiny bitch she is, is elated that Zo’s in pain. Okay not really but she’s happy that the faerie freakiness isn’t happening to her for once. The girls try to snap her out of it, and finally Zo falls over gasping. They ask her what she saw and Zo is scared out of her mind.

“A girl. Really blonde hair. Like white. She was singing to herself under her breath, this freaky song that sounded like a mix of a lullaby, a death march, and some kind of twisted nineties boy band. She was standing on a balcony or something, and then her eyes just kind of glazed over, like she was seeing something the rest of us couldn’t. And then she just stared at nothing, for the longest time, and then her eyes flashed, like they actually lit up and turned bright blue, and then her pupils disappeared, and I saw her leave her body.”

Bailey is even happier that for once she doesn’t sound crazy. Oh wait, she can’t be happy about it because Zo looks like she’s about to cry and she hasn’t cried since they were four. Zo goes on to say that after the girl left her body, the body fell off the balcony, and that she was on the eleventh floor.

A-belle reminds her that premonition means having visions of the future. Bay goes on to say that what Zo saw hasn’t happened yet and they can stop it. Zo says she was in a hotel by the beach. Dee recalls that Zo said she was on the eleventh floor so she’s either at the Richmond or the Deluxe. They hope she’s at the Richmond because the Deluxe is on the other side of town and Bailey recalls that for once in their history of mall trips, this was the first time Delia left without buying anything.

I haven't abandoned you!!!

Being the senior in high school I am, I'm piled with homework on a daily except for Fridays.
Me in physics class: *thumping my head on the lab table. I have no fucking clue what's going on in my physics class because Mr. Comacho is not the best 'explaining how to calculate acceleration' person, and prefers to orgasm over physics and medieval times instead of teaching us. -.- SMH.
I will try to get chapters 4-6 of Tattoo up before the end of October!!!
Love,
Twisted Sister

Tattoo by Jennifer Lynn Barnes (Chapters 1-3)

Tagline: Four Friends. Four Tattoos. One Ancient Evil.

Book Description: Bailey Morgan isn't the type of girl who shows a lot of skin, but somehow, she ends up in a dressing room at the mall with her friend Delia applying a strange temporary tattoo to the center of her lower back. Never one to suffer fashion doubt, trendsetter Delia knows exactly where she wants her own tattoo: on her stomach, right where her shirt ends- can you say "midriff"? Annabelle, the quiet one, chooses the back of her neck, and tomboy Zo plasters hers on the top of her foot. The tattoos will last for three days and Delia's sure that with them, the four friends will absolutely kill at the school dance.

Unfortunately, killing is just what someone has in mind, and Bailey, Delia, Annabelle and Zo are in for the battle of their lives. Along with her tattoo, each girl receives a gift- a supernatural power to help them in their fight. As Bailey's increasingly frightening dreams reveal the nature of their enemy, it's become clear to the girls that it's up to them to save the world. And if they can get Delia to stop using her newfound power to turn gum wrappers into Prada pumps, they might actually stand a chance.

Enter, Twisted Sister:  After that book description I was almost scared to reread the book. I haven't read it since sixth grade.

      So we zero in on our heroines. Delia Cameron: Fashionista/Pimp is looking at nail polish. We ladies know that nail polish companies give their colors strange names. I myself own Twisted Pink, Blue Me Away!, and Mermaid's Tears. These following names sound like Crayola crayons.

"Passion Purple, Fruity Fuchsia, Playful Pink." What up with all the alliterations?

"Divine Yellow." Yellow is not divine, it's fucking annoyingly vibrant and it hurts my eyes.

Delia says pink is the new pink. She sounds like Burdine Maxwell from Bratz.

Bailey Morgan and Annabelle Porter have a silent conversation about Delia's pinkiness with their eyes. Bailey's description for Annabelle? "An almost alien creature: quiet and shy, too serious for her own good, and too smart for anyone else's"

An almost alien creature? That's how you describe one of your best friends.

Me: My best friend is like a cupcake, she's short and sweet and a lot of people love her.

All of a sudden, Delia becomes magically entranced by a nail polish and orgasms over it. The name? Mango Mermaid.

Zo Porter, Annabelle's freakishly boyish tomboy cousin shoots Bailey a pained look as if Delia were hanging her by her thumbs. Delia rolls her eyes at Zo and orgasms some more about how absolutely perfect Mango Mermaid is.

Bailey's description for Zo? "With a tiny, almost pixie-like build, blonde hair, and baby blue eyes, Zo didn't exactly look like your typical tomboy, but there was no mistaking the fact that she was anti- girly and had been even before the day her mother dropped five- year- old Zo off at my house for play-group, left the state, and never looked back. Dag, yo.

Delia bitches at Zo's  lack of fashion sense and Annabelle tells Bailey civility just flew out the window. Bailey adds to us readers that Zo cared deeply for her friends and cousin and would do anything short of breast implants for them. So can I give her some J-Lo implants and Botox and she wouldn't mind? 

Bailey says they should go to the food court and Zo is more than happy to finally leave. She tosses Delia another Mango Mermaid nail polish, ("They're buy one, get one free.") and bats outta there like hell.

If only I had Zo's metabolism.

Delia asks them why they think she loves the mall.

Bay: "The sales?"

A-belle: (JLB's nickname, not mine) "Your father's credit card?"

ZoBro: (My nickname) "The torture?"

Delia: "No, no and don't kid yourself. *sniffs* The smell."

Bailey runs into a kiosk with "the grace of an overweight elephant." No comment. Delia says she smells opportunities.  ZoBro says she's hungry. Bailey orgasms over her crush Kane Lawson, who's helping her up to her feet. This Kane character's only description is that he's the "God of Eye Candy". So I imagine him looking somewhat like Georg Listing, bassist of German rock band Tokio Hotel, but less sexy.

Kane asks Bailey if she's Hayley from geometry. Bailey says she's Bailey from world history. She proceeds to orgasm over his smile. Then she mentally whines about how Kane's friend is ogling A-belle and ZoBro's bodies and how she must be unattractive since ZoBro is appealing even in her sweatsuit. This dude reminds me of GIR from Invader Zim.

"Observing. Observing! OBSERVING!"

Kane says he'll see her around. Bailey gushes to herself about how he's finally said over a hundred words to her and it took five years to get there. O_o|||.... Moving right along.....

Delia and Bailey discuss the importance of what and how boys say stuff. They walk up to another kiosk where a woman with hypnotizing blue eyes is selling accessories. Delia orgasms and asks for something "red carpet retrochic". What kind of word is "retrochic"? 

The woman gives Delia a black metal choker with a white bow on it. "It's retro and cutting." Ok?

Zo says she doesn't want anything. Nevertheless, the woman hands her a purple crystal on a gold chain and Zo is dazed by it. She takes the crystal and the woman gives A-belle a dark silver barrette.The woman turns to Bailey and says she must choose her own accessory. Bailey feels as if she's called 1-800-CREEPYSALESLADY. I don't know what I would have said to that. While Bay looks around the booth, her sleeve gets caught on the handle of a drawer and she goes klutzoid and yanks the thing open. While she cleans up, she spots some dark blue-green temporary tattoos. (The central point of the story, no?) Then Baybay goes schizo and hears voices.

"Sidhe blue. Blood green" Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerd. Delia then forces Bailey to buy the tattoos and after she buys them, she forces her to share them. What a bitch! But of course, Bailey is such a doormat, she does whatever Delia tells her to. If Delia said so, she'd probably get breast implants, J-Lo implants and Botox. 

We jump ahead to the One Woman Firing Squad of Fashion berating A-belle and ZoBro on the outfits they have picked out for ze Dance. ZoBro is wearing sweatpants and a tee shirt and Annabelle is wearing a floor- length skirt. Delia says Annabelle needs to show more skin but A-belle is firm in her decision to wear the skirt. Delia grabs a small black dress and forces 5-foot Zo into a dressing room. While Zo is changing, she complains about the number of straps on the dress. Delia grabs the tattoos. Zo says her dress is evil. Bailey takes the tattoos from Delia and struggles to open the package. She goes schizo again and hears the same voices.

"To fight, to live, we two of three bestow this gift...."

Don't worry Baybay, I hear voices too. Their names are Thoughts and Dreams. A-belle magically pulls scissors out of her purse and Delia takes the tattoos and cuts out one that looks like half a butterfly. Annabelle goes next and picks one that looks like two crisscrossing crescent moons . Zo comes out of her dressing room and DAYUM her dress is rocking. Bailey picks a sunburst which leaves Zo with a flurry of lines dots and triangles.  Delia declares she shall put hers on her stomach. Can you say "midriff"? Annabelle is going to put hers on the nape of her neck. "So I can know it's there but no one else has to know." Delia bulldozes Bailey into putting hers on her lower back and Zo decides on the top of her foot. Delia sticks hers on and Bailey hears voices yet again. 

"Blood of the Sidhe."

Damn, Bay. First it's about fighting and now apparently there's going to be blood involved. 

Delia asks if Bailey wants her tattoo on her back. Delia you bulldozing bitch, did you forget you're the one who told her she should put it on her back. There was no free will involved in this. Delia sticks the tattoo on Bailey and Baybay starts trippin'. Then we get a spell.

"To fight, to live

We two of three bestow this gift

To see, to feel

To stand upon the ancient Seal

To know, to feed

To change, l'Sidhe

From earth she comes

From air she breaths

From water, her prison beneath the seas

Fire burn

Desire bleed

As we will, so mote it be."

Bailey passes out, blah blah. She dreams about Kane, blah blah. She wakes up, blah. Delia cares more about her outfit, blah. Bailey hears more voices, blah. Then she tells them not to put on the tattoos because she thinks they're defective. ......No comment.

Zo said she and Annabelle already put theirs on. "Check out the girly goodness." Zo says. Baybay suggests going back to the food court and Zo is more than happy to oblige. Delia bitches, Zo tells her to hurry up and change, "so the next diva wearing a lime green corduroy mini-whatever that passes by can use your room to try on her size two hot pants." Delia follows Zo's instructions and Bailey has a dream about dancing with Kandy Kane. They're about ready to leave when lo and behold, diva wearing a lime green corduroy miniskirt walks in wanting to try on some hot pants. She complains that size 4 is waaaay too big. The diva in question is named Alexandra Atkins and apparently size eights are massive. Fuck you.

Zo tells Alex to go to the food court and eat something so she'll gain weight and she can try on the pants. Alex is about to maim Zo when she spots Delia. Delia is frienemies with all of the popular girls. Alex calls Baybay, A-belle and ZoBro, "Delia's little friends". 

Delia's response? "I guess Zo is kind of little. But then again, you'd probably kill to be a size zero, huh?"

Burn baby burn! Delia says it so politely that Alex does a double take. Bailey has to hold herself and ZO back when Alex calls A-belle 'adorably anti-social'. 

Bailey gets angry, blah blah. She hears voices, blah blah.

Then Alex makes a low blow.

A: "Shopping calls. Some of us care about this kind of thing. Not that you'd understand. Your sense of fashion is..."

Z: "I'm waiting."

A: "Well actually, your sense of fashion is kind of motherless, you know?"

This riles them all up. That's just so low. Heat surges from the tattoo on Bailey's back throughout her body, and as her anger grows, the air sizzles. Then Alex's foot bursts into flames. Zo beats her foot on the floor until the fire goes out. Bailey touches her tattoo and it is warm to the touch. plot hole, mayhaps? Bailey hears voices again. 

"Fire burn

Desire bleed

As we will so mote it be."

Then:

"It's in the blood. Things of power always are."

Baybay and crew bat outta there like hell and head to Bailey's house.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's Chapters 1-3. 4-6 will be posted soon.